 |
“A Lobster Walks Into a Bar…”
Being funny isn’t that hard. Just memorize this article.
Stuff,
2/19/2003
By Harmon Leon
Are you dull? A dork? A vapid, mirthless stumblebum? Wish you could be… hilarious? Well, there are two solutions: (1) Be born that way, (2) relentlessly bludgeon the elements of comedy into your lumplike brain, repeating them until you collapse-sapped, exhausted and whimpering like a little girl. Hey, comedy isn’t pretty. Here, the high-risk, do-or-die Stuff funnyman plan! Send no money! Unless you’re really dumb. In which case, unmarked bills will be fine.
A joke for every occasion…
During surgery
A guy walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says: “I’ve got very bad news—you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The guy says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
At a funeral
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Three bullets.
At a police lineup
A small guy goes out drinking and ends the night by being thrown into the drunk tank. He walks in and sees a huge dude standing there. The dude says, “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints. When he recovers, he asks the big dude to repeat himself. “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, Turner Brown,” he says. The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said, ‘Turn around!’”
Knee-Slapping Secret #1
Master the Letterman Pause
Watch Dave. Study Dave. He makes you want to laugh. He makes you wait for the laugh. He makes you crave the laugh. His timing is impeccable. And the key to comedy is [pause, stare out at the audience] timing.
Dave: “Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen. He and Soon-Yi have a brand-new baby daughter.” [Pause. Crowd begins nervous chuckle, which rises to a laugh. They’re guessing at what’s coming next, but they don’t know exactly what it is.]
Dave: “It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.”
[Crowd laughs like crazy. They hadn’t thought of that one.]
Of course, Letterman’s got a show. You’ve only got your friends, assuming you have any. Too quick a pause and they’ll miss the joke. Too long and they’ll conclude that you’ve made yet another pointless remark, then start talking over you.
You: “So Woody Allen’s got a new
daughter…” [Painfully long silence]
Friend 1: “Hey, who needs another beer?”
You: “It’s part of his plan to…”
Friend 2: “Over here, dude.”
You: “…grow, um…his own…uh-oh.”
Luckily, you can learn timing: Practice telling jokes on your own (just make sure you are on your own).
Start with this classic from Chris Rock:
“Do you know the upside of crack? If you’re up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.” To make it work, try the following:
Plant a pregnant pause between “right hour” and “you can get.”
Raise your voice at “whole house.”
Try either whispering or shouting the last line.
And, if all else fails, curl up into a fetal ball.
Timing isn’t only about how you tell a joke—it’s about knowing what to joke about and when. Celebrity death jokes are considered just plain evil if cracked at the improper time. For example, when Princess Diana died, it was best to wait at least a week before proclaiming, “What does Princess Di turn into at midnight? The wall.” Here are some other celebs who’ve bought the farm, and the amount of time needed before jokes at their expense became funny:
Mother Teresa: A generation
JFK Jr.: Two and a half weeks
Chris Farley: One day
Walter Matthau: Three hours
Timothy McVeigh: Still alive,
but why wait?
Knee-Slapping Secret #2
Steal your material
Talent borrows. Genius steals. Those who have neither do both. Sure, stealing is morally wrong and spiritually corrupt-but it’s not illegal, which is all that matters. One key thing to remember: Don’t get caught. It’s easy to purloin gags from TV’s top comics, but everyone will know, rendering you unfunny. Fret not-follow these simple rules and you can get away with comedic grand larceny.
Don’t rob the famous
Seek out the poor and obscure, and steal from them. Are they going to sue you? No. They’re poor and obscure. If you do rob the famous, mix and match Don’t swipe one person’s act wholesale; pick a little bit from one and a little bit from another. This makes it harder to pin the crime on you. Use Chris Rock’s insanity to deliver the dry political witticisms of Dennis Miller. Raid the material of dead cult comedians such as the great Bill Hicks and Lenny Bruce, and then do their stuff in the style of Phil Hartman—or vice versa.
Do what all great hack stand-ups do
Take another comedian’s joke or premise, switch the phrasing or references and slyly pass the result off as your own.
For example:
Steven Wright: “I love the Stones. You know, Fred and Barney.”
You: “I love the Stones. You know, granite, quartz, cubic zirconium…”
OK, so it’s not quite as funny as Steven Wright’s material, but: “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
Knee-Slapping Secret #3
Repeat stuff a lot
Repetition is funny. Why? Because if you repeat things, you establish a pattern. And that’s funny. Did we mention repetition? It’s funny. But only three times. Things are funny in threes. After three, it stops being so funny. And becomes four. Not funny.
There are some exceptions to the three rule. If you do something more than 50 times, it becomes funny again. Case in point: Howard Stern’s “Baba Booey.” Our scientists have recorded him playing this refrain 36,567 times. It’s funny every single time. If you’re having trouble remembering the repetition rules, cut out the handy graph (left) and stick it on your fridge.
Repeating something, letting it go, then unexpectedly returning to it a few minutes later, as if it’s nagging at you, is funny. You can also try repeating phrases Foghorn Leghorn-style (“I say whut you, uh, I say, I say, whut you doin’ there, boy?”). This works best if you’re from Alabama. Take this redneck joke: “You might be a redneck if your house has wheels and your car doesn’t.” Now try it using the three-time trick: “You might be a redneck if your house has wheels and your car, ah, your car…[chuckle to self] your car doesn’t.”
Knee-Slapping Secret #4
Pull a Kramer
Being funny isn’t all about cracking jokes; it can also be about cracking kneecaps by stumbling down the stairs. Here, a few physical gags that’ll keep you and your pals rolling in the aisles.
The Spit-Take
1. Place a glass of water at your side.
2. Listen intensely while a friend recounts a story with either a surprise ending, tremendous shock value or a dramatic twist.
3. As he nears the end of his story, nonchalantly bring the glass of water to your lips while your eyes remain fixed on the storyteller. Take a large mouthful of water. Don’t, and we repeat don’t, swallow.
4. When the unexpected twist, shock or punch line arrives in the story, spray the contents of your mouth on everyone and everything in spitting range.
The Head Slam
1. Choose a door to slam your head into.
2. Place your foot closer to the door than your head.
3. Swing the door open, knocking it against your foot rather than your head.
4. Snap your head back when the door hits your foot, and mimic extreme pain.
The Pie in the Face
1. Take a pie.
2. Put it in someone else’s face.
3. Laugh.
Knee-Slapping Secret #5
Get a catchphrase
All legendary funnymen have that one line that annoyingly ingrains itself like a Celine Dion song into the back door of your brain: “Yeah, baby!” “Well, excuuuse me!” “Aaaaay.” All are great catchphrases, which you could steal. But since you’re not the Fonz, chances are you’ll grow very boring, very quickly. Here are some other catchphrases to avoid.
“What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” –Gary Coleman
“Not!” –Mike Myers and Dana Carvey
“Don’t go there, girlfriend.” –Oprah, everybody who appears on Oprah everybody who’s ever watched Oprah, heard of Oprah, never heard of Oprah or thinks Oprah is a grand ol’ country music venue.
So, what’s a humor-impaired bozo to do? Invent your own catchphrase. If it catches on, it could wind up on a coffee mug or even a bumper sticker! Or you can always just borrow one from us. Here are a few we made up this afternoon:
“Wheeeeeere’s the soup?”
“I killed a man once…with these bare hands.”
“I want my puppy, and I want it NOW!”
Knee-Slapping Secret #6
Make nutty faces
Being funny isn’t all about cracking jokes; it can also be about cracking kneecaps by stumbling down the stairs. Here, a few physical gags that’ll keep you and your pals rolling in the aisles.
Monkey Face
Pull down your jowls so that your lips fold over your teeth and your eyes
droop down. It can be disconcertingly effective—but only if you don’t already resemble a monkey. Congratulations! You’ve mastered the monkey face!
Alien Face
Put your thumbs in the corners of your mouth, pulling your cheeks up into a creepy smile and exposing your gums. Your first two fingers should go under your eyes, pulling the lower lids down. Roll your eyes back, and force a smile. Congratulations! You’ve mastered the alien face!
Pig Nose
This requires you to place a strip of Scotch Tape vertically from the tip of your nose to the top of your forehead. Good for slow days at the office.
Congratulations! You’ve mastered the pig nose!
Richard Nixon
Purse your lips until they resemble a cat’s butt hole. Puff the area between your nose and mouth, and the upper parts of your cheeks, full of air. Scowl. If you can say, “I am not a crook,” while doing this, you’re the life of the party.
Congratulations! You are now the 37th president!
More Jokes for Other Occasions
At a bar
A guy gets so tanked at a bar that he falls off his chair. Some Good Samaritan guys pick him up and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, he gets out of the car and falls down again. They ring his doorbell, his wife answers and one of the guys says, “Well, here’s your husband.” The wife says, “That’s great. But where the hell is his wheelchair?”
On the golf course
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course. One of the men is about to chip into the green when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes and bows his head in prayer. His friend says, “Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You are a kind man.” The man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”
At a business lunch
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
At the Million Mom March
“Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep walking
in circles?”
“Quiet down, dear, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”<
At a wedding
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender says, “What’s wrong?”
“I caught my wife in bed with my best friend,” says the man. “That’s just awful. What did you do?” “Well, I looked my wife right in the eyes and said we were through.” “What did you tell your best friend?” “I looked him in the eyes and said, ‘Bad dog!’”
|
|
|
|