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Predictions of 2003
It’s incredibly arrogant to think you
can predict everything that will happen in a given year. So let’s get to it!
Stuff,
2/26/2003
By Mark Remy
Who has time to read newspapers, watch TV and flip through magazines? The elderly, for starters. And prisoners. And the handicapped, who are sort of prisoners trapped in their own bodies. Security guards also have a lot of free time. Oh, and unemployed people, particularly if they’re also elderly. But you certainly don’t—if, like us, you host a book-discussion group every week and would rather die than serve store-bought cookies! That’s why
we’ve compiled this month-by-month breakdown of what the media will be covering this year. Read it now and save yourself a year’s worth of wasted time. Or save even more time by just looking at the pictures. That’s what we did.
JANUARY
New Year’s Resolutions
Here’s what you need to know:
Making resolutions is easy.
But keeping them is hard!
So set realistic goals.
A newspaper columnist will write: “My New Year’s resolution this year? No more New Year’s resolutions!” This columnist almost took a job in PR once. But when he writes a zinger like that, he’s glad he didn’t.
Hangover Cures
There are none. This will not stop you from getting blatheringly drunk.
Elvis Presley’s Birthday
It’s January 8th. A local TV news anchor will mention this fact at the end of the newscast as a lighthearted way to wrap things up. Her on-air partner will respond with, “Thank-yuh. Thank-yuh very much,” as if he is Elvis Presley. He will smile, but this man secretly hates his life. He should.
Super Bowl
The Super Bowl is big. How big? Really big! It’s like the Super Bowl of football. Also, the ads are really expensive. (Some people have been known to watch just for the ads!) And prepare yourself for snarky commentary on these ads—with innovative thumbs-up/ thumbs-down reviews.
Martin Luther King Jr. Day
Your local paper will publish a letter to the editor from someone wondering why we have an MLK Day but not an FDR Day or a JFK Day. This person will begin the letter by stressing that he is not a racist. (This person is a racist.)
February
Groundhog Day
Welcome to the same motherfucking photo of those guys in top hats holding up a confused groundhog.
Valentine’s Day
Mr. and Mrs. Old Married Couple have been married for 50 years—maybe even 60 or 70. Their secret? Laughter. Your local newspaper will photograph them in their living room. They will be sitting on a sofa, holding hands. They are young at heart, which may also be the article’s headline.
You will also see a story on those little candy hearts with the messages on them. The story will focus on such new, “modern” messages as fax me, e-mail me and you go, girl. You know what? Technology really has changed everything—even the candy we give our sweethearts!
Snow Reports
Half of the time, TV weathermen will call it snow. The other half, they will call it “the white stuff.” Not even they will know why. They will try hard to be funny and fail. But that won’t stop the other anchors from playing along.
March
St. Patrick’s Day
Your local newscasters will wear something green and may kick off the newscast with the phrase “Erin go bragh!” or “top o’ the mornin’.” If it is not actually morning, they may chuckle and say, “Top o’ the evenin’.” This will make you want to vomit. Aim for the screen.
Women’s History Month
This is the only time all year that you will hear about Margaret Sanger or see a photo of Eleanor Roosevelt. It will be the same photo they used last year, and she will still look hideous.
April
Daylight Saving Time
The front page of your morning paper will have a little picture of a clock with the hour hand “springing ahead” in a blur. The paper will not, however, print the typo “Did you forget to adjust your cocks?” This will make you sad.
Tax Deadline
Taxes are due already? Oh, man! Time to write a story on it, and start it with the T.S. Eliot line “April is the cruelest month.” Don’t forget a photo of a guy buried under receipts and paperwork. His teeth will be clenched around a pencil, and his hair will be mussed up.
Easter
Baby chicks and bunnies sure are cute. But guess what? They grow into big chickens and rabbits. Better think twice before you give one as a gift.
May
Mother’s Day
In the mood for an essay from a middle-aged woman whose mom died seven years ago? It’s your lucky day. She can’t write for shit, but give her a break—her mom is dead! The bottom line: Don’t take your mom for granted. If you do, she might die. Then it’ll be too late!
Cinco de Mayo
If there’s one thing newspaper food writers agree on, it’s that fresh salsa is much better than the mass-produced stuff—and easy to make, too! Also: A perky female friend will send you an e-card today. It will contain the word fiesta.
Prom Season
One young woman will talk with a reporter about how much money she spent on the big event. (It’s a lot.) On a somber note: Remember the tragic prom-night car crash that killed those local teens—the promising ones? A makeshift memorial will appear at the crash site to mark the anniversary. It will consist of cheap stuffed bears and flowers wrapped in cellophane. You will wonder what’ll happen to all this crap when it rains. Also: News reports on the horrors of teenage drinking escalate to a point where you may start drinking.
June
Father’s Day
(See May: Mother’s Day.)
Graduation Day
You will see a photo of Alec Baldwin or possibly Whoopi Goldberg wearing an academic robe, addressing a bunch of graduating seniors. The topic: making sense of this ever-changing world of ours. Honorary degrees may or may not be involved.
Summer Vacation
Wanna know how to survive a summer roadtrip with the kids? Turns out, the trick is to keep them distracted. (And don’t forget to take along some snacks. Healthy snacks!)
Wedding Season
What’s the deal with these wedding magazines, like Modern Bride? They’re so thick! Come to think of it, weddings have really become “big business”—some are outrageously expensive!
July
Independence Day
July Fourth’s newspaper will include a full-page American flag. You will put it in your front window until it turns yellow. This will make you feel patriotic, even though you haven’t voted since 1996.
The front page of July 5th’s paper will feature a huge photo of the previous night’s fireworks. Those colors against the dark sky will look great!
Picnics
Who’s up for one? You’ll feel like you should be after reading your paper’s annual salute to red-checked blankets and cold chicken. Yet you will try (and fail) to think of even one person you know who’s actually had a picnic and enjoyed it. This won’t stop your local paper from devoting the better part of a page to macaroni-salad recipes, cute wicker baskets
for every budget and tips on planning the perfect picnic. (Hint: Steer clear of ants!) But it’s not all fun and games. Parade will prove it with a whole feature on salmonella.
August
The Heat
This month, you will hear or read the phrase “beat the heat” no fewer than eight times per week.
Summertime Pests
Standing water is bad, because it encourages mosquitoes to reproduce.
Old tires? Not so good to have around!
Back to School
It’s back-to-school time—or, as your local newspaper will call it in its kids’ fashion story, Back to Cool! Late in the month, expect a story about schoolkids and their heavy backpacks. Pediatricians and parents agree: Those things are heavy.
On the lighter side, TV will feature ads depicting ecstatic parents and mopey children shopping for school supplies at unbeatable prices. Mom and Dad are happy that the kids are going back to school…but the kids sure aren’t!
Hurricanes and Tropical Storms
It’s hurricane season! How can you tell? Because you will see a reporter on TV standing outside in heavy wind and rain. He will be wearing a brand-new Gore-Tex parka, probably from the North Face. He will be silently hoping the storm kills someone.
September
Labor Day
You will see lots of newspaper articles on weekend getaways and barbecue tips, and not nearly enough on Samuel Gompers, founder of the American Federation of Labor. (Gompers! Gompers! Gompers! Ha-ha.) Also: a schmaltzy tribute to the blue-collar types who built this great nation and how they’re overlooked in today’s “information-based” economy. The author has never built anything, ever. This makes him feel guilty.
Grandparents Day
This year it’s Sunday, September 7, in case you were wondering. Bil Keane, creator of The Family Circus comic strip, will devote that day’s strip to Grandma and Grandpa. They will be wearing robes and smiling down on their sad grandkids from heaven. Creepy!
October
Halloween
Authorities will offer to X-ray candy for free, even though there has never been a documented case of pins or razor blades hidden in candy.
Should trick-or-treaters wear bulky masks that limit their vision? No, they should not. Should they wear face paint instead? Yes, they should.
A local Wiccan will be interviewed. She will complain that Wiccans get a bad rap, do not worship Satan and are really just “normal folks.” She will look like a total weirdo.
November
Thanksgiving
What should you eat at Thanksgiving dinner? White meat and pumpkin pie. What should you not eat? Dark meat—it’s fatty! By the way: Turkey contains something called tryptophan, which makes you sleepy.
And don’t forget the lighthearted photo of President Bush giving a pardon to a turkey at the White House. The photo’s caption will call the turkey Tom at least once.
Elections
The presidential election isn’t until 2004, so this year’s election will be
a real snore. However, you’d better believe you can count on the following:
A newspaper editorial about the importance of voting, even when the election is a real snore.
A story or letter to the editor urging people to vote yes on the upcoming school levy, and citing a local teacher who just spent $300 of her own money buying supplies for her students. Kids are our future!
A photo of an adult walking into a voting booth with a toddler. The caption will mention how the child is “helping” Mom or Dad vote.
December
The Holidays
How do you survive them? Take some time for yourself! And remember the true meaning of Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Whatever. Either way, the American Civil Liberties Union will whine about the decorations on the courthouse lawn. No one will care.
Your paper will run a terrible story that tries to explain Kwanzaa.
Playboy will run a color cartoon of a topless woman sitting on Santa’s lap. This will make you embarrassed for the people who work at Playboy.
NAFTA
Ten years ago next month, Mexico, Canada and the U.S. implemented the North American Free Trade Agreement. In anticipation of this, The New York Times will run a long op-ed piece examining NAFTA 10 years after, probably by former labor secretary Robert Reich. No one will read the whole thing. Not even the editors.
Year-End Roundups
The TV networks will take a look back with a video montage of 2003’s major events. Some of it was good. Some of it was bad. But you know what? It was all accompanied by music.
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