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Dive Bars
Hall of Fame
Stuff,
2/11/2005
By Jason Sheftell
F&M patio bar
4841 Tchoupitoulas St.
New Orleans
504-895-6784
The legendary cheese fries ($5.50) and fried alligator quesadillas ($4.75) make the trip to this 100-year-old uptown bar totally worthwhile. If the grand mirror and traditional hardwood bar in the front room are too Old World for you, the back patio offers permanent Christmas lights, thick vines and weird animals, such as wicker reindeer and multicolored monkeys. Gotta love the age-old policy of staying open till the last drinker says, “Enough.” There is no happy hour here. You want happy? Pop a Zoloft.
The Hideout
1354 W. Wabansia St.
Chicago
773-227-4433
This old public house comes with plenty of stories. One goes that a 1930s regular got up to leave and the barman said, “Have another. It won’t kill you.” The guy downed another drink and dropped dead. Don’t worry, that hasn’t happened since, despite the supercheap drinks, such as $4 Grey Goose and $2 Old Style. With its wood-paneled walls and taxidermied fish, the intimate setting brings together blue-collar regulars with T-shirted collegians. Skip the occasional poetry night, which draws lesbians in a bad mood.
The 500 Club
500 Guerrero St.
San Francisco
Tucked away in what was once San Francisco’s seediest corner of the Mission, the Five, as it’s referred to by die-hard drunks (i.e., regulars), has a broad demographic. Count on seeing women ranging from 22 to 82. As in golf, the better your game, the lower the number on your scorecard at the end of the night. What’s the big draw? Frequent buybacks, rock ’n’ roll hotties who hate panties and love tattoos, and a back door that seems to invite drinking and dashing. But one look at the lovely bartenders and you won’t be going anywhere. The World Cup Soccer pinball machine makes the narrow, dark room resemble your parents’ basement. That’s if their basement has a 15-foot bar, $2 pints and well drinks during happy hour, and red velvet curtains with a Hawaiian-palm-tree design. Don’t miss free-meatball Mondays. Unless you’re a vegetarian. In which case, stay home, freak.
Ted’s Hideaway
124 2nd st.
Miami Beach, Florida
305-532-9869
During the wacky hurricanes of 2004, this bar stayed open—and had some of its best weeks ever. Owner Bob Wilcox hires gorgeous women, then has them wear as little as possible. Matt Damon, Miami Heat players and Blues Traveler John Popper have all stoped in while hanging in this chi-chi ’hood. Discounted drinks from 1 A.M. to 3 A.M. bring in the unpretentious crowd, who like the free entry a lot more than the $20 covers at most South Beach house-music clubs. No matter where you’re sitting at this zigzagging bar, you can annoy the person across from, next to and behind you. Plus, they have encyclopedias, so your kid can write his paper on bugs while you get smashed.
Copa, Too!
263 S. 15th St.
Philadelphia
215-735-0848
Don’t cross owner Lisa DeVicarif. “The customer’s not always right,” she says in a menacing Philly accent. “Who’s right is right.” With an attitude like that, the Copa, Too! attracts both blue-collar and yuppie types who come for the strongest, tastiest and least-expensive margaritas in town (as low as $3). Why the name? “Because we were owned by the same people who had the Copabanana, and we hated the number two,” says DeVicarif. “Got any more questions?” Just one: Could you let go of our testicles now?
Johnny’s Bar
90 Greenwich Ave.
New York City
212-741-5279
License plates, beer cans, worthless foreign currency, guitars—they all make this Greenwich Village bar feel like an 80-proof junkyard. The place is so small, you’ll practically be wearing women. Cute, just-out-of-college chicks come to drink the $5 shot-of-Beam-and-bottle-of-Rheingold special from noon to 7 P.M. The jukebox jumps with everything from the Velvet Underground to the White Stripes, and regulars stay past 4 A.M. every night. As for New York’s no-smoking law…you won’t be able to read the signs through the smoke.
Sweet Up’s
277 Graham Ave.
Brooklyn
718-384-3886
The beer taps molded in the shape of sultry 1950s pinups will grab your eye in this dank joint. Try the $3 pint of Sweet Up’s, the house brew. They use real raspberries and brambles (British blackberries) to infuse flavor in very strong—as in nuclear-powered—libations that are buy one, get one free for $6 a pop during happy hour. Owner Benjamin Shih demands that his staff pours stiff drinks and encourages binges. “We have obscene levels of hooking up,” says Shih. In fact, the levels are registered with the Homeland Security system.
Double Down Saloon
4640 Paradise Rd.
Las Vegas
702-791-5775
The house shot is called Ass Juice—so you know this joint ain’t short on elegance. “As long as you have something covering your genitalia, you’re good to come in here,” says bartender E-Rock. Hollywood types and rock stars, such as Vince Vaughn and Kid Rock, have mingled among the countless bras that hang from the rafters, the psychedelic videos that play on four TVs and the erotically disturbing murals. Regular joes and bikers come for after-hours cocktail waitresses, strippers and the tourists who donate the bras.
The Continental Club
1315 S. Congress Ave. Austin, Texas
512-441-0202
Don’t let the 1957 murals in the front room or the bull horns in the back room throw you. Let Heroin on a Stick, the $7 house drink, do that. It’s top-shelf tequila with a healthy splash of Grand Marnier. This joint is famed for nearly 50 years of featuring Texas’ top musical acts, packing in the U. of Texas kids and older Austinites seven nights a week. Pool tables and peanuts come with the package, plus $1.75 Lone Stars during happy hour to wet your whistle while you’re picking shells from your teeth.
Hong Kong Restaurant
1238 mass ave.
Cambridge, MA
One look at the dragons on the wall, the Asian-mountain motif and the gold-embroidered ceiling and you’ll be in the mood for something exotic. Try the world-famous, secret-recipe Scorpion Bowl. This $13 communal drink comes in a 48-ounce ceramic bowl with any number of straws and sucks in the college crowd. This Harvard Square institution has hardwood floors, cheap wood paneling and zero cover charge. “People come to rage,” says bartender Paul. “They wake up with a raging hangover.”
Bambi Bar
2701 Bardstown Rd.
Louisville, Kentucky
502-456-9635
It’s the first stop on the Bambi Walk, a famous two-decades-old Louisville pub crawl, so every Kentuckian of legal age has passed through the Bambi. The bar also doubles as a Kentucky Derby meeting place and a NASCAR pit stop, with car posters on the walls and races on three TVs. On Mondays and Tuesdays, happy hour and $1.75 beers last from 4 P.M. to close. Owner Jerry Nichols brags that the jukebox plays everything from country music to that “lick my crack song or whatever it is these kids listen to today.”
The Neffs Hotel
5635 Rt. 873
Neffs, Pennsylvania
610-767-9949
What’s a dive bar list without a scary roadside joint in the middle of nowhere? At Neffs, drinks are practically free. Draft beers can go for $1.75, while well drinks are $2.25. A 12-year-old scotch will set you back a whole $4. And chicken wings go for 30 cents on Wednesday nights. College girls drinking Jägermeister abound. The one big room holds about 100 people and features a pool table, a square bar and a photo of a WWII vet. In fact, he still drinks here. (He’s the one with beer leaking out of his bullet holes.)
Moe’s & Joe’s
1033 N. Highland Ave. NE
Atlanta
404-873-6090
This is an A-list location for college coeds eager to show visitors why the local girls are called Georgia peaches. To keep everybody focused, only beer is served at this Georgia Tech auxiliary campus watering hole that draws better attendance than homecoming. With pitchers of Pabst going for $3.25 on Tuesdays and Fosters for $4 on Thursdays, it doesn’t take a degree to figure out why. The decor features red booths with diner tables, old linoleum floors and graffiti that covers every inch of wall. Bring spray paint and about 20 bucks and you’re good for a couple of weeks. Don’t forget waders, though: The men’s urinals have been known to flood. Especially, we found, when stuffed with drunks.
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