Life on the Sheets
Our Sex Spy confronts the scourges of our time—back hair, oral dilemmas and asexuals.
My girlfriend won’t have sex with me. She claims she’s asexual. Is there such thing, or is she just giving me the cold shoulder? —F. Melish, via e-mail
Experts have long been divided about whether “none of the above” is an actual sexual preference. While many psychologists believe having a sex drive is like having an appetite for food—something no one can live without—others, such as Dr. John Bancroft, formerly of the Kinsey Institute, believe the libidoless life is legitimate. His claim is backed by both the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an Internet group that claims more than 4,000 sex-free members, and a recent Canadian study that reports that a little over one percent of people are indeed asexual (Reason No. 287 we hate Canada).
While some of these no-fun Johnnies and Johnettes could actually be suffering from hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), it stands to reason that many of them could simply be in-denial folks who are laid over between Straightville and Gaytown—much of the time, supposed asexuals can’t or won’t admit that they’re actually as gay as a tandem bike ride to a picnic.
So while it is possible that your gal pal is legitimately a no-sexer, there’s a better chance she’s
actually a lesbian-in-waiting. Or, then again, maybe you’re just ugly.
I’m covered in body hair. People say I look like a Wookiee. Should I take it all off? —Werewolf in Long Island, via e-mail
Let me just say that there’s nothing sexy about a completely hairless man—I prefer being with a guy who looks like he’s already gone through puberty. On the other hand, when your birthday suit resembles a gorilla suit, that ain’t so hot, either. So I would recommend keeping your chest, leg and arm hair and losing the fur on your back and ass. My advice: Opt for laser treatment instead of electrolysis since, according to at least one dermatological study, it’s faster, more effective and less painful. Since I always practice what I preach, I took my bikini line over to Nubest Salon and Spa (nubestsalon.com) in Manhasset, New York, and had laser beams pointed at my most prized possession. The results? Compared with waxing, which hurts like a mutha, it wasn’t too bad. It felt like somebody snapping a rubber band on my skin—at the low, low price of $350 an hour. I experienced redness for about a day and then was ready to take on the world with my depubed self. If my nethers can take it, so can you, you big, hairy wimp.
What can I do to make my girlfriend smell and taste better down there? —B.Z., Bayonne, N.J
First off, telling her, “You taste worse than the chili special at Wendy’s” is the wrong approach. And if she ever finds out you wrote this letter, you won’t be getting another sniff of her honey pot anytime soon. Having said that, the to-dos for making her pleasure place more palatable reads more like a list of to-don’ts.
Inspect the bathroom to see that she doesn’t use any chemical douches or perfumes, since they can cause urinary tract or yeast infections (and the last thing you want is for her bits to remind you of a bakery). Speaking of foods: Many edibles are common culprits when it comes to pungent odor and taste. Without being a dick about it, suggest she cut down on coffee, red meat, spicy foods, garlic, raw onions and asparagus (famous for causing smelly pee). Remember that vaginas have a range of tastes and aromas, but if the smell is too musky or earthy for your liking, suggest showering together beforehand. And make sure her secret garden doesn’t get too wild, since too much hair can trap odors down there.
For the absolute best results, try to get her to lay off the drugs and booze. Of course, then she might not want to have sex with you at all.
Mr. Big Stuff
A recent study in Cairo suggests that most men who complain of being underendowed actually have average-size penises. Ladies, have we mentioned how small our penis is?
Pit Stop
An axillist is a person who likes to make love to armpits instead of vaginas. Why? Who knows. But one thing is for certain: Ban roll-on, you’ve got your odor-absorbing work cut out for you.
Balls of Justice
Some scholars believe the root of the word testify comes from Roman times, when men made sworn statements in court by holding their hand over their testicles. We’ve been a star witness ever since ours finally descended.
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Trick for Treat
UnderDares
Earn your way to third base with UnderDares, a new line of panties printed with dares you have to complete in order to get her out of her Skivvies. Dares range from sexy (“Get out the whipped cream and make a sundae out of me”) to silly (“Recite a poem about my boobs”).
underdares.com
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