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5 Signs You're Tony Montana
  1. You're Italian, yet inexplicably, you can't help but speak with a bad Cuban accent.
  2. What's on your dining room table? Shakers of Yayo and Pepper.
  3. White tuxes are hard to pull off, but hot damn, you make them work.
  4. It's not "motherfucker," it's "muddafoKKA."
  5. Sometimes, it's so hard to say goodbye to your lil' friend.

    —John DeVore



Saddam Hussein is evil
You’re super-rich
You need to take your medicine
You’ve been abducted by aliens
You need to get a new job
Your head is made out of almonds and smoked cheese
You need to shave your back
Hollywood is out of ideas
You’re a drooling idiot
Oprah is secretly living in your house
Spaghetti makes you horny
You’re on fire
You took a wrong turn
You might be He-Man
You’re a bum
It likes you
You’re a sucker
Nobody loves you
You live in the monkey house at the zoo
God hates your guts
You’re smoking too much weed
Your house is haunted
You’re a woman
The FBI is on to you
You think you’re Elvis
You need to stop drinking
You’re Batman
The end of the world is nigh
You have a three-foot-long tongue covered in sticky mucus
You’re girlfriend is cheating on you
You’re a member of ’NSync
Your ass is a magnet
You live in an enchanted forest
You’re infested with leprechauns
You’re a metrosexual
Thanksgiving was a success
You live in the Matrix
Christmas is here
The party is over
Your house is burning down
Michael Jackson is your babysitter
You live in a spider hole
You’re in the Super Bowl
The Mars Rovers are actually in Texas
You’re dead
There aren’t enough carbs in your diet
Martha Stewart is on trial
Mel Gibson’s career has gone in the pooper
Friends is really over
Hockey is getting too violent
Network television’s lost it
You just started grad school
You take fantasy baseball way too seriously
Your roommate is a cannibal
You job has been relocated to Mexico
A sucker is born every minute
You have to sell your house
The argument is over
There’s no way out
Your ex-girlfriend is psycho
Bono wants a Nobel Prize
It's teatime!
It smells in here
You need to go to the dentist.
You shouldn't wear a Speedo
It's the greatest day of your life
Your neighbors are spies
You're pregnant
The time machine worked
Elvis isn't dead
It's probably a tumor
Your coworkers hate you
Your TV show has been cancelled
You’re going cross-country on the bus
You didn't need that third porterhouse
You birthed puppies
The parachute isn't opening
You might be having a heart attack
You moved to the suburbs
You're ready for your close-up.
You're not the smartest brontosaurus
There's a Terre Haute, Indiana
Chess isn't your game
Those guitar lessons really paid off
You're gonna need bail money
You duel at dawn
You've got two tickets to paradise
Your ass-kissing skills need work
The stars aren't aligned in your favor
You have to kill again
2005 didn’t start off so great.
It's looking at you.
It's not a real Rolex.
She's not the one
You need a new computer
You're not going to make the team
The doctor has bad news
You're late for work
You live in a Mountain Dew commercial
You’re infested with leprechauns
God hates your guts
You have dry skin
You'd make a bad masseuse
The Dakotas are out to get you.
The Dakotas are out to get you.
You have ten seconds to dismantle the bomb
Everyone can drink you under the table.
It's gonna leave a mark.
You're the new Miss America
You're not cool anymore.
Golf isn't your sport.
Your memory is shot.
You should've used sunblock.
That smell is coming from you.
She's not going to return your calls.
You've got Ebola.
The Viagra just kicked in.
You'll never be a professional dancer.
You're the leader of a cult.
The jury doesn't believe you.
The guy at the pet store was lying.
The family reunion was a mistake.
This is the worst vacation ever.
It's time to clean out the fridge.
You're going to lose the fight.
You're going to have a hangover.
You've just been hypnotized.
You're turning into a boll weevil.
This taco is a little spicy.
You're not ready to join a street gang.
It's on your back!
Your barber doesn't like you.
You need a new TV
You're going to need a bigger boat…
You can't grow a beard…
You're cheating on her.
Those teenagers are laughing at you.
You take things too seriously.
You're not ready for Christmas.
You spent your whole life waiting for King Kong.
You have bird flu.
You're not going to keep your New Year's resolution.
You should send the wine back
It's a mail bomb.
Bea Arthur is your Valentine.
Your book won't make it into Oprah's Book Club
You probably need food stamps.
You're allergic to booze
Jeopardy!'s not going to call
Your bad neighborhood is getting worse.
You shouldn't have slept with your boss.
It's time to wash the sex doll.
You screwed up the shopping spree.
You accidentally stopped time.
William Shatner is stalking you.
You were the fifth Beatle.
Donald Rumsfeld is doing a great job.
The South won't rise again.
You're getting a little tubby.
You’re being wiretapped.
There's too much cheese on that.
You just got back from Amsterdam.
You have irritable bowel syndrome.
You're reporting live from Baghdad.
You're too hairy to take your shirt off at the beach.
You're taking the World Cup too seriously.
It won't stop barking.
You're living in a porno.
It’s not you, it’s me.
Your epidermis is showing.
You Spend Too Much Time on the Internet
5 Signs She's Creeped Out By Your Fetish
5 Signs You've Been Laid Off
5 Signs You Shouldn't Sell Your Virginity on the Internet
5 Signs You're John Mark Karr
5 Signs You're Suri Cruise
5 Signs You Should Really Get Out of Bed
5 Signs You're the Horse From Jackass 2
5 Signs You're A Gay Viking
5 Signs You're Tony Montana


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