The skinny:
It’s baseball, people. What the hell do you think it’s about?

If you liked this game, you’d like:
ESPN Baseball, MLB Slugfest: Loaded, waffling over whether you should buy a softball glove because you think they’re for sissies. They are. Now buy one and join the freaking club.

Hours to complete:
Day upon interminable day in an unrelenting death march to October.

Perfect accompanying snack:
Big League Chew molded into a life-sized statue of Bob Uecker.

Tantalizing tidbits:
Interestingly enough, EA has served up a baseball title that will keep you interested in hardball. Nuanced controls like the Pure Swing System let you toggle the left thumbstick of your controller to dig out low pitches, reach for a hanging curve or, in our case, just fan the air where you thought the ball should have appeared. The pitching system seems intuitive enough at first, but, as evidenced by the Portland Sea Dogs lighting up the Red Sox’s Pedro Martinez for 11 runs in the first inning, it takes a while to master pitch placement and selection. Did we mention that EA packed in Triple A and Double A minor league teams? Anyone can play with the Yankees, but it takes real chutzpah to try and burn down the Evil Empire by starting Seth McClung and the Durham Bulls. Speaking of which, we know a guy who played for the Bulls and even sat in the same seat on the team bus that Kevin Costner used in Bull Durham. Wow, what a meaningless story! You can toggle the fielding settings between manual, assisted and, for the gibbering mouth-breathers of the world, automatic. Keep a little of the control to yourself and you can make diving stabs and even run up the outfield wall to save a home run. As always, EA has included its Big Brother-rific Sports Bio to track your every gaming move. You can also unlock Cooperstown stadiums and even players like Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb. Once the game allows you to send Ty Cobb into the grandstands to beat the shit out of a heckler, the illusion will be complete!

Buy, rent or run away screaming?
We can’t believe it, but we’re actually recommending that you buy a game about the national snore-time. Go and enjoy. At the very least, please just get out of our sight.