The skinny:
The soccer franchise most in need of a name change lacks the flash and sizzle that us spoiled Americans are accustomed to in sports sims. (What, no Snoop Dogg on the soundtrack?) But hard-core fans of the sport—the ones who proudly refer to the game as "football," enjoy Guinness over pancakes and send hate mail to Posh Spice for working her voodoo on David Beckham—already know that this is by far the best "football" sim on the planet. While this year's version still doesn't feature most club, league or stadium licenses, it more than makes up for it with shin splint–inducing soccer play. The computer AI, just like your girlfriend, will sniff out your weaknesses and exploit the living crap out of them. Even our showdown here in the office with Saudi Arabia—which isn't exactly known as a soccer powerhouse—embarrassed us so badly we wondered if coach Bill "the Other Football" Belichick was moonlighting for them in the off-season.

Tantalizing tidbit:
This disc has it all…except for rioting, field-storming, booze-addled hooligans. Where's the blood? The black eyes? The broken noses? The vomit pools? The collapsing bleachers?

Say this to amuse your friends:
Can someone please get Mia Hamm? Anyone? Please, I'm starving. All I ask is that someone get Mia Hamm. Is that too much to ask?

Buy, rent or run away screaming?
Fans of the series have already donned their jerseys, stocked the fridge with their favorite ale, shaved their skulls and warmed up their consoles in anticipation of the game's release. For the rest of us, a rental will do.