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HORROR [ Print Script ]

As with all horror movies, it's dark and raining and Starlet is home alone when the phone rings. A one-sided conversation begins with a mysterious stranger.

Starlet: Hello?

[Pauses to listen to other end of the line]

What do you mean, am I home alone? Of course I am—it's Halloween, there's a full moon out and the 11 o'clock news reported that a local serial killer just maimed his seventh nubile coed.

[Pause]

No, no, I haven't checked to see why the dog stopped barking. But come to think of it, I did hear some stabbing noises and whimpering coming from the backyard a few minutes ago.

[Pause]

Oh, my God—why would you do that to Sparky? I'm calling the cops as soon as you and I finish this informative conversation.

[Pause]

Let me get this straight: You enter my backyard, you kill my dog and now you're telling me that I'm in great danger? You're the one who's in trouble. Once I get the cops on the phone, you're going straight to the rape house.

[Pause]

No, I will not calm down! Now promise you will hang up right now and leave me alone!

[Pause]

No, you hang up first!

[Pause]

OK, this is ridiculous. I'm finding a safe place to hide until sun comes up, and then my boyfriend's going to kick your ass.

[Pause]

Yeah, I'm sure about that, asshole! In fact, I was just talking with him when his phone cut out mysteriously. He's on his way over, and when he…

[Pause]

Why would I check the broom closet?

[Walking up to closet]

Hmm…that's odd, I don't remember this much blood being splattered across the closet door…

[Opening up closet door]

Scene closes with Starlet tearing up, looking around in sheer terror and unleashing a money-shot horror-movie scream.



COMEDY

Starlet is a foreign exchange student conducting her introductory interview with the high school principal. She's very unfamiliar with America's strict rules in high school. She also is unaware of how much the principal is drooling over her.

Starlet: Hello, I am Ivana Balzlik, and I would like study in your American high school. I can no think of better way to learn how is U.S. most powerful nation than by spend time in your fine educational system.

[Principal murmurs acknowledgement]

Thank God I get away from school at home, where is only horny teenage boys looking to take my advantage. What, just because I am ski team captain with killer legs, I am dumb and easy?

[Principal responds quizzically]

Also, teachers are not any helpful. They only ask hard questions and smack you on behind with yardstick when you are wrong.

[Principal shifts uncomfortably]

Here in America, I ready to focus on study and nothing else. By the way, how is dress code at your school? I learn most best when I am completely comfortable, and not wearing any constricting, how is say, undergarments?

[Principal gulps]

Hmmm…I might make you a problem there. I do not own any knee-length skirts, and the shirts I bring from home only display my tight, toned and tanned midriff.

[Principal acknowledges, slack-jawed]

Oh, what is such good luck for me that you already have school-approved outfit for me. I will make change of my clothes here in your office. Let me get started by taking my shirt off—

[Principal faints]



DRAMA

Starlet is speaking into the camera, telling the person who changed her life how much he means to her.

Starlet: [Dramatically, to no one in particular] Dear God…how much must one woman bleed before knowing what it means to heal? Now I understand what pain the Jews, the slaves and the Kennedys endured. [Sigh] Sometimes I wonder if it's worth living at all [pauses, turns toward camera] and then I think of you.

[Sigh, sniffle, regroup]

Without you, I never would have summoned the courage to go on… not after my parents split amicably…not after my Starbucks gift card ran out …and definitely not after I went over my cell phone minutes. But then, like the outstretched hand of God, you entered my life and turned it all around…

[Sniffle, deep breath]

I'd always been told that pimpin' ain't easy, but you certainly made it look that way. You taught me my worth, right down to each specific body part. Now, as your number-one girl, I have more cash and men in my life than I ever dreamed possible. After three failed marriages, eight estranged children and one helluva crack addiction, I'm ready to make something of my life. Look out, world, here I come!

[Triumphant leap into the air]



ACTION

Starlet is hot on the heels of a drug smuggler during a high-speed car chase on the freeway. She's also dealing with her superiors on the car radio.

Starlet: [Yelling into radio] No, no, no! Do not, under any circumstances, send backup! I got this far on my own and I'm not gonna let any donut-plugged rookies share the collar with me!

[Crackle]

Hell yes, I'm serious! I've got the number-one drug dealer in the country in my sights and nothing in the world is gonna keep me from nailing this dirtbag.

[Crackle]

I know I'm only one day from retirement and have a faithful husband and three young children waiting for me at home, but this time, it's personal! This guy killed my best partner and I haven't found a replacement yet!

[Crackle]

No, I have not considered the fact that I'm too old for this shit! I'm running this sonovabitch down if it kills me, him and a couple of innocent children along the way!

[Crackle]

Screw the captain's orders! I've got him cornered and I'm gonna chase him down on foot…

[Starlet gets out of car and faces the camera to read the riot act]

Freeze, asshole! Put your hands where I can see them, or I'll blow your goddamn head off! You have the right to remain silent, the right to an attorney and the right to eat lead as soon as I file the paperwork.


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